Our Infertility Journey

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*November 2019 UPDATE*

We proceeded with our second cycle of medications and egg retrieval in November. Unlike last time where he wasn't able to get any eggs, he was able to get 5 eggs this time. One of them was not viable and the rest were fertilized. Three of them did not make it in the process to be viable and were discarded. We were left with two eggs, one that was not developing as it should and the doctor said the best option was to transfer the two we had at the same time. So we did. We literally had all our eggs in my basket. We waited for 14 days when they did the beta blood test to find out if I was pregnant. Unfortunately the transfer failed and I was not pregnant. To say we are devastated and heartbroken isn't enough. This was in all reality our last chance to have a baby of our own. The last chance for me to carry our child. My husband and I are taking everything one day and sometimes one moment at a time to grieve our loss. We don't know what lies ahead of us in the future as far as becoming parents. It's a tough realization that all the everything we poured into this turned into nothing but heartache. We have an amazing relationship of love and support with each other and we are thankful to have one another in this process and thankful for everyone who was in our corner cheering us on with kind words and prayers.

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*JULY 2019 UPDATE*

We moved forward earlier this year with the IVF process and I started the medication protocol this past March. We weren't supposed to start until later in the year, but it all fell into place and I felt God was telling us to just go with it. So we did. The daily injections were difficult and my life revolved around being at my house at 8AM and 8PM every day to ensure I didn't miss a dose. Sometimes they were painful and other times not as bad. My body was responding well to the medications and I was producing lots of little follicles (which is what contains the egg)! Although I was exhausted and the meds made me not feel 100% myself, we were excited. April 23rd came around faster than I expected and it was finally retrieval day! I had 10 follicles and that meant 10 potential eggs. With my husband and Momma by my side, we were up bright and early and full of hope. I went under light anesthesia and when I awoke, I saw my husband and asked him how many eggs we got. He looked not like himself when he answered with, "He couldn't get any eggs." I was distraught. I kept asking what happened and what went wrong. He didn't have any answers as the doctor told him he didn't have any answers yet either, but he would come back. My husband told me later that I spent the next hour just crying. I had a panic attack in that timeframe too and had to get that under control. The nurses and staff were just as upset as I was. You could tell this kind of thing didn't happen a lot. My doctor came back and told us that after looking at our bloodwork, I had the trigger medication in my system so there was no human error as an explanation. He said he tried several times to get eggs out from my right side, but to no avail. He also said that unknown to us, my left ovary had adhered to my uterine wall and he was not able to safely try to get eggs out from my left side. He said to take time to heal and come back in two weeks to discuss more.

I took a few days off to deal with my emotions and try to heal. This was unexpected in the worst way possible and I didn't know how to move forward with this process. We had our appointment a few weeks later where my doctor told me that he only sees this happen maybe once a year and in our case, he had no explanation as to why it didn't work. We could only try again and hope for the best. He also suggested we maybe try to do a surgery to detach my ovary from my uterine wall, but we would decide that in August when I came back. Once again, I was a medical conundrum and we were left with more questions than answers. I have spent the last few months just trying to heal mentally and physically. My hormones were so out of balance and are just starting to level back off to a somewhat normal place. My migraines came back full force as a result of the medications as well and I have been dealing with bringing those back down to a manageable level.

We go back in August to see how we want to move forward with what will be our last chance at a successful retrieval of eggs. If this one doesn't work, we are out of fertility options. We are trying to keep our heads up in this time, but some days are more difficult than others. Knowing I should have embryos, but have nothing to show for the months of preparation aside from financial debt and physical and mental consequences is indescribable. We are just praying and hoping for the best in the coming months.

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My husband and I have been married ten years and although we have had many fun and exciting adventures, we have yet to fulfill our dream of becoming parents. I share my journey as transparently as possible because I know the feeling of loneliness, sadness, anger, heartache and hope all rolled into one. I hope that my story helps you in some small way.

After a few years of trying on our own, we decided to start asking more questions from my OBGYN. Other than saying she believed I had endometriosis, she told me this was sometimes normal and I was young (about 25 years old) so just be patient. Looking back on it, I was silly to just take her word for it!! Time passed and 2013 came around and so many of our friends had been able to accomplish what I couldn’t. We decided enough was enough; it was time to do MORE. I had an exploratory surgery and came out with a diagnosis of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). She removed cysts and performed ovarian drilling which would force my body to ovulate to give us a higher chance of getting pregnant in the following three months. Time passed again and nothing changed. We spent the next months researching on our own and doing the silly and obscure things that were supposed to help us get pregnant. I went through boxes and boxes of negative pregnancy tests. During this time, I developed chronic and debilitating migraines that progressively got worse and no answer as to why.

We finally went to a fertility doctor at OU Reproductive Medicine in 2014 where they tested my husband and discovered he had his own set of fertility problems. Together, they told us we had less than a 1% chance of getting pregnant on our own with no medical intervention. They said our best and most cost-efficient option of Intrauterine Insemination (IUI). We then spent two years going through five rounds of IUI that included hormone drugs, blood work, and ultrasounds; all of which failed. We even spent a year of this time trying to adopt through Oklahoma DHS, but were never successful on that route either. I felt like a complete and utter failure. I became a hermit and secluded myself from those around me because it was too difficult for me to see other families continue to grow seemingly so effortlessly. My heart and soul were broken and I felt I had no true purpose.

After some much needed healing time, in 2017 we decided to go see Dr. Eli Reshef at the Integris Bennett Fertility Clinic. We absolutely fell in love with Dr. Reshef and our hope felt renewed. We spent several months trying to get my body to respond how it should with oral and injectable hormone medications. We had two failed months of the medication not working and finally had a month where my body did what it was supposed to so we were able to do one round of IUI. We had been let down so many times before that we tried our best not to get our hopes up, but it was so hard. It just felt right this time around. Like it was maybe our turn. We were wrong and I was heartbroken all over again. We had a consultation with Dr. Reshef who told us that it was his very strong opinion that our only option left is In Vitro Fertilization (IVF) and our chances are still not the most ideal. We needed time. Time to heal after all this and time to just be with each other.

Out of nowhere, in June of 2017 I was five days late. My husband was at work and I decided to take a pregnancy test. For the first time in 9 years, there was a faint positive line. I spent hours staring at it, researching online what a faint positive line meant. The next day at lunch, I had blood work done. I had to know. Was I finally pregnant and we did it on our own? Was this finally OUR time? I thought about the million different ways I would tell my husband and couldn’t decide which was the most perfect way. I thought about how I would drive to my family’s house over 2 hours away just to TELL them. I was in a state of bliss. The nurse called me and instantaneously in one moment it was gone. I had what she called a “chemical pregnancy” and it was no more. My hormone levels suggested I had a pregnancy, but my body said “No thanks” and didn’t fertilize the egg for whatever reason. I politely thanked her for letting me know and we hung up. I sat there in the corner of an office at my work sobbing. I was a mom for less than 48 hours, but that baby was mine. Even if it was gone as quickly as it was there. I had a huge knot in my stomach because I didn’t know how I was going to explain this to my husband. I was pregnant for a split second, but now I’m not. I told him that night while he was working. It was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do. Only a few people knew what had happened because I couldn’t even think about it without crying, let alone talk about it.

I spent months working through our loss, the pain and the hopelessness. We came out the other side of all of this and realized that we did something NEW. It didn’t work out, but it was the closest we had truly gotten. We became hopeful once again. I learned to let my feelings be what they are and live in each moment by finding the joy in it. We are hoping to go down the road of IVF in the near future, maybe even this year if it is in our cards. And I have come to find out there are so many women, men and couples, who are going through their own kind of fertility journey like mine. I want to share my journey in hopes of helping someone else feel that they are not alone and it is okay to say you are not okay. This journey is not for the faint of heart. It tears you down, but the key is to let it build you back up after.

I would love to hear about your infertility journey; whatever you want to share! What did you learn about yourself or your partner in the journey? Have you been able to achieve your dream yet? What are your plans if you haven’t (we ran away to Mexico for a week at one point!)? What advice would you give someone who is on this journey that has helped you?

I can’t wait to hear your stories!

All my love,